We all know that jealousy… or envy… is a deadly sin. In some cases it even turns you green. I am no stranger to the little green bug. And in today’s world it would be hard to be, as we live in a world of instant self-gratification via likes and retweets and the perfect filters.
But sibling envy is by far the worse I’ve ever experienced. And every now and then when I think I’m good enough to put it all behind me and just move on and focus on the new bridge in front of me… I’m slapped in the face with an unpleasant reminder.
Now obviously I love my younger sister. Even if she is high on my list of people that easily annoy me. What can I say, there’s a 7 and a half year difference… and honestly it’s not her fault that I am occasionally hit with waves of jealousy. It’s our mother.
From my perspective, my sister is blatantly the favorite. Could be she’s the youngest and it comes with the territory… I don’t know. I have just always felt like she was. It could be my ‘interpretation’ of how things have happened that make me feel that way… but I’m not going to dwell a whole bunch on the past. Like I said I’m trying to focus on the new bridge in front of me.
Now because of the above mentioned feelings, it has caused turmoil in our family relationship. Whenever I voiced my opinion on the situation, I was given the good ol “you’re just being a jealous older sister” speech. Seriously I enjoy this speech so much I might have it printed on a canvas to hang as a reminder. It got to the point where I didn’t speak to my mother for nearly a year. This was recent by the way. Actually it was around this time last year it happened. I finally decided to be the bigger person (again) a few months ago. I am always being the bigger person. However this time I wasn’t expecting a big change. I was just trying to move forward. Not dwell on the past. As much.
But it’s really hard to remain the bigger person, when like I said, you’re slapped in the face with this little green bug called envy. For instance, last weekend my sister went to prom. I went to see her off with pictures. Remember I mentioned Em kept photobombing her? Did I mention that our mother hired a professional photographer? All I got was some half way decent ones off her phone… she didn’t even go dress shopping with me. Well yesterday was Part I of my sister’s graduation. (She’s a high school student AND dual enrolled at the college.. aka she’s smart. ) Guess who showed up, same professional photographer. In case you’re wondering no I did not have a professional photographer at my graduation…
Do you see how the little green bug just creeps in though? Like I was fine. I was letting the past be the past. And these things happened and I can just feel my blood pumping green now. It sucks. I don’t want to harbor these feelings but I do. And it makes me try to one-up her. Or at least try because it is very hard for me to seek the approval and validation from my mother. Hey I know I got issues… I’m not afraid to admit them either.