First off.. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all the mamas on here! (And to the single dads filling both shoes!)
I remember the day I saw that blue positive sign. I had suspected that there was a possibility that I was pregnant, but wanted to be sure before a night of drinking. Like most unmarried ladies who find out, I was in a bit of denial. Insisting that it was a faulty test, and therefore took another. Nope same result. Still slightly indenial, I purchased an additional test to take later in the evening. I went on with my evening SANS DRINKING just to be on the safe side.
It was R’s birthday. Talk about a gift huh? But he had decided to go out with his friends because well we weren’t exactly a “couple”. Gasp I know. I didn’t want to ruin his weekend so I decided I would wait until Monday to tell him. That’s right ruin his whole week instead. However, I have a tendency to tell my feelings on Twitter, and he caught on something was bothering me. So he dragged it out of me.
Happy birthday! I’m pregnant.
After a predictable moment of silence, he asked was I sure. I said three tests say so. The next day we packed my bags and I moved in. I told him that I didn’t want him to feel obligated to be with me because I was pregnant, as long as he took care of this child I was fine. He said okay, but a few days later we had “the talk”. Well actually the second “talk”– the first was whether or not I planned to keep it. I did.
“I know you said that I’m not obligated to stay with you, but I want to do what is morally right and I think it’s best that we get married. Or at least engaged. We’re a family now.” I’ll spare you the fun story of the engagement and engagement planning for another day… along with the wedding tale. This post is strictly about Motherhood!
Fast forward 9 months… our beautiful baby girl was born. And although I had already fallen in love with her the day I saw that blue positive sign, it was love at first sight. I vowed to be the best mother I could be…
But how do I do that when my own relationship with my mother is so flawed? For starters, I vowed to never do the things mine did to me. I was going to make this child feel loved and wanted and supported no matter what. And so far, I like to think I’m doing well. She is a momma’s girl afterall. R frequently tells me that I don’t need to worry, that I’m the best mother he could ask for for our daughter. But still there is a little part of me that sees a little bit of my mother sometimes and I freak out.
When I do see that happening, I make an effort to apologize afterwards. Like I said my goal is to make her feel loved and wanted no matter what. Some say I’m probably over-compensating. Or that I have a tendency to be the pushover parent. Okay, even I can admit that I’m usually the pushover parent. But believe me, she knows when I mean business. I’ve been told several times that my child is spoiled, but a well mannered spoiled child. So I guess I’m doing something right? I see it as, I’m simply able to give her things when she asks. I’m not saying she gets toys everytime we go out. Candy and a kids meal, maybe. She’s told no. She gets in trouble. But she’s mine. If I want to buy her the entire store everytime we go out, so be it. It’s my decision to make.
Okay sorry rant over. Back on track. Motherhood.
Aside from not knowing how to mother, when my own examples were less than encouraging; I also was unaware of the love one has for a child. I didn’t know that there could be a stronger love for someone. R and I often joke that if there was a fire and we could only save one. It would be our daughter. Hands down. I will walk through hell back for her. Him, well it was nice knowing ya if push comes to shove.
And even though I know I’m teaching her so much, I never expected that in return she would also teach me. Since that fateful November day I saw that sign, I knew that I was willing to do whatever it took to take care and protect her. And since her birth and everyday since, she’s silently made me a better, stronger person.
I don’t give in, as much to the depression now. It’s still there, and everyday a battle, but now I have something or rather someone worth fighting for. Someone who needs me.
My vow to protect and care and love and support this tiny minion of mine, is one I intend to take to my grave. I love her more than I thought was possible. I’m in awe of how much she’s grown, and growing still. It’s amazing seeing little traits, both good and bad, that are me. She’s my pride and joy. And although there was once upon a time I heavily protested the idea children, I wouldn’t change being her mother for anything. She’s my best friend. She knows it too. And I am truly so grateful God blessed me with her.
Okay I’m getting overly emotional now. So I think that’s where I stop.
Again. Happy Mother’s day to all the mamas on here! We all know that we are the buttons that hold everything together! ❤