Thoughts from a broken heart…

I have been struggling writing this. Nevermind posting it, just simply writing it all. Expressing these emotions. Showing a vulnerable side. Thank you for that social media. We live in a world of constant likes and retweets– instant gratification. Where even a filter can turn the ugliest duckling into a beautiful swan. We only share the good, because no one wants to hear about how bad someone’s else is. I got 99 problems of my own, I don’t need yours too. But keeping things bottled up inside is not good. Especially when you’re a ticking time bomb because when shit hits the fan it hits hard… So here goes. All my feels since I’m in that kind of mood tonight… and I’m going to apologize now if it’s choppy and all over the place. I figured I would just write it as it came to mind before I punked out and didn’t share it again. 

I thought the days of heartache were behind me when I said “I do.” But yet, here I am, and these feelings are very much alive. 

I thought I had moved passed ever having to feel failure, rejection, abandonment, among other nasty emotions that come with break ups. But nope… here we are. And it feels like a double whammy because I’m chronically ill, and I already feel like damaged goods. 

I thought I was getting a happily ever after. We would have the house, the picket fence, and all the jazz. That couple that makes others call you #relationship-goals … and actually we have been told that. Look at them, getting married and being a family despite getting pregnant out of wedlock. Way to not be another statistic. But oh look… we are still. I actually read that young couples are more likely to divorce when one spouse gets sick early on… well at least I’m not alone in this boat. So I have that going for me. 

I thought I would be able to give my daughter the type of home life I dreamed of. Two loving parents who actually loved each other. I wanted to show her what to expect in a relationship so she didn’t make the same mistakes as me. I didn’t want her to have a broken home and grow up resenting us… 

I’ve been told I’m still modeling good relationship values. Showing her not to stay if she’s not happy; that she doesn’t need a man to complete her; that we can do this all on our own. But still, I know how broken homes have affected both her parents, and I don’t want her to continue the cycle. I don’t want her to be afraid of love. Even if her mother doesn’t believe in it anymore. 

I’ve done a lot of praying for this relationship. I prayed in the very beginning for a sign that this was the one, because this journey has not been an easy one. And despite that we kept finding ourselves back with each other. We took our daughter as THE SIGN OF ALL SIGNS. I prayed that our marriage would be better than our parents. I prayed for the strength to keep fighting… and now I’m praying for the strength to get through this. 

But after all this, it makes me question if God is even listening anymore. And it hurts to say that, because I’ve been down that path before, and I can not go back into that darkness for no other reason than I have a daughter to raise. It seems like everything that can go wrong is going wrong. And it’s making it incredibly hard to see the silver lining in all this, or the light at the end of the tunnel… 

I thought marrying your best friend was a blessing. It turns out it’s a curse. Because the one person you go to to make you feel better, is now the one person who is causing you pain. What do you do when the person you want a hug from most is also the person you want to punch in the face? Yet, as I’ve said before, a tiny part of me is clinging to the idea that this is just a bad dream and I’ll wake up from it soon. But the rest of me is screaming that I am indeed awake… 

We had problems before. But now there are even more. How do we help her adjust to this new life? Where is she going to go to school now? What are we going to do about holidays? How does this go along with my plans I had for us as a family? How do we make sure she doesn’t grow up hating us because of this? 

We’ve agreed to be civil and friendly for the sake of our daughter, and that no matter what she always comes first. But it’s only been a month and the waters have already been a bit rocky. We’re in that awkward adjustment period I reckon. 

Still though, it’s hard not to be harboring feelings of hate given the circumstances. I keep looking back at little things he wouldn’t do and it kind of all pieces together now…

🎵 And the slightest fear comes creeping in. That You never loved me. Or her. Or anyone. Or anything. 🎵

I guess that is just the way the cookie crumbles though? All good things must come to an end and all that jazz? Well all I know is that I am never going to give my heart to someone else again. Because this shit sucks. I don’t have the energy to go through this again. 

So I guess it’s just me + my Lupus + my daughter from here on out… 

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