A to Z Challenge: D is for…


The thing in which I applied for and was denied. Which was to be expected the first time; even though I meet the majority of requirements for filing with Lupus.

D is also for disappointment. 

They basically all but said I have to be dying in order to qualify. Okay they didn’t say those exact words, but I read between the lines. Now I am NOT one of those people who uses their illness as a free pass. It took me nearly an entire year to finally apply. And then and only then it was only because R and I are splitting… and physically– working more is already taking a toll on me. But hey I’m team #single mom life now, got to do what I got to do. I won’t be able to depend on R financially forever… not for my needs anyway.

& my recovery time was already low working 3 measly little days. But now I’m barely recharging at the end of a 5 day work week. Between the standing and lifting, my body is basically giving me the biggest middle finger of all time.

So right, I applied. Filled out questionnaire after questionnaire. Stacks of paperwork that asked me the same questions the questionnaires did. I lost track of how many times I answered the question “how does this condition affect your day to day life?”

I remember one night telling a friend I just wanted to scribble ” EVERYTHING HURTS AND I’M DYING HAVING TO KEEP ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS!” across the stack out of pure agony. 

In fact, by the time I got to the end of one stack, my handwriting had gone from perfect penmanship to a toddler beginning to write. My hands cramp up way more writing than they do typing, but still frequent breaks are required. And occasionally when I’m reading, I can see the words but I’m not processing any of it. Which is always fun when you’re filling out important stuff.

I had my phone interview, where I was filled with false hope that I was good. But I guess that’s her job as a government employee, fill us poor unfortunate souls with hope. Only to beat us down like a piñata.

You can also apply for supplemental income, and food stamps. 

Guess who didn’t qualify for either of those either… but Little Becky who is healthy with six kids and no job (for no other reason than she just doesn’t want to) can get disability for her child with ADHD whose 3 and $700 in food stamps easy peasy. But no the system is not flawed in the least bit… 

But like I said. I didn’t 100% expect to qualify the first time. Most people don’t. I just figured “hey I meet the requirements I should be fine”. I was optimistic. Too optimistic.  They want you to jump through hoops. Be homeless basically. Not struggling to make it through each work shift to pay for medicine and basic needs. It really truly pisses me off, that those of us who are honest and not just trying to drain the system, get the short end of the stick when it comes to this.

Like believe me, I take no joy in having to apply. But I know that physically my body is not going to last for much longer under these circumstances. So I figured I would go ahead and start the process. Because since I wasn’t approved 1st go round, it’ll be anywhere from a few more months TO A FEW MORE YEARS! If I’m ever approved. Yes you read that correctly.

You know what else D is for? Depression. Which is exactly what I feel slowly taking over again with everything going on in my life. I hate being sick. I hate how much it has ruined my life. I hate that I have to question “why me?” I’ve always been a hard worker. I would come in early, stay late, I’ve always been the back-up in emergencies. And now I’m struggling doing simple things like carrying my child into the house when she’s asleep. & I mean it when I say that how much it has altered by life as a mom– hurts me the most.

But as Princess Poppy from the Trolls movie says “I will get back up again.” It may take me awhile but I will. And if it means I have to take a medicine cocktail every morning to keep pushing through then I will. If I have to run myself ragged to stay afloat then I will. Like I said #team single mom life, I will do what I have to do. If Em doesn’t learn anything else from all this she will learn that you can be a boss while being sick, and that no matter how hard it gets you don’t ever have to depend on a man (or woman). 


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