A to Z Challenge: F is for…

Fucking feelings…

It was rare I got off at a reasonable time on a Friday night. I figured that since my friend had to cancel our girls day tomorrow I would just indulge in a little pampering at home before bed. Leaving Saturday (or really today as it’s after midnight) free after R got off work and got Em. It’s his weekend. Entirely for a change. 

I painted my nails while mindlessly watching Weeds. It may be worth noting that I wouldn’t mind some of my own weeds now. I was fine. I was dandy. Then all of sudden my feelings just appeared out of nowhere. Full fucking force. 

I cried while I made ramen. My tears mixing with the flavor packet. And not just sniffle sniffle something in my eye. I’m talking boo-hooing, glasses fogging crying. Just shy of snotty noses, but those came afterwards… as I laid in bed. Prior to writing this… 

I haven’t had a good cry in awhile it feels like. Unlike R, I don’t have a shitty therapist to talk to. Sure I have friends, but you can only have a pity party so many times before you start to worry if they care. Or you get tired of being told that you two will work it out before long. 

I really really really doubt it. 

I love him but I hate him. 

I hate that I don’t get to have my bedtime snuggles with my munchkin when I come home. I hate having to shuttle her back and forth. I hate that it feels like (like always) I am doing more for her. Oh wait because I am. I’m feeding her more, doing more with her, because she’s with me the majority of the day. He gets her in time for dinner and bedtime. Big fucking whoop. I hate that he keeps pulling the I’m getting sick card. Yeah well you know what? I’m permanently sick and guess what I’m still taking care of shit. Don’t try that shit with me. 

I hate that I am physically running myself ragged while he’s not really phased by any of this. If I could go back I’d ask for more. I’d be a bitter ex. I’d be that sterotypical fucking ex. 

And you know what usually accompanies feelings? Feelings of fucking failure. Boy where do I even begun with that? 

  • My marriage is a pretty obvious place to start. 

My sister graduates from high school on Sunday… after she’s graduated with her associates degree last month. Sure I graduated high school kid less no less, but still I’m feeling once again like the black sheep. 

I am nowhere near what I imagined my life as being. Sure I have the daughter I always wanted… but that’s it. I don’thave the marriage or family I hoped for. I don’t have the gaggle of girlfriends. I’m not living where I want to live. I’m not doing what I want except on here and I’m just wallowing in self pity. I’ve got a chronic illness. Really this is one fabulous life I’m living. 

And I hate that all these feelings just come out of nowhere. Like thanks I enjoy being a big baby bitch. Being emotional is my calling said no one ever… I enjoy the puffy eyes of the aftermath of a crying spell. I enjoy holding this shit in to be strong for my daughter. 

Fake it until you make it right. 

I sure as hell hope I make it soon because I’m pretty close to hitting my quota of fake. 

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2 thoughts on “A to Z Challenge: F is for…

  1. You are going through so much just now! I’m not surprised you’re near breaking! I truly hope it does get better/easier soon! But until it does – you know there are people here that can give you a virtual hug and a ear anytime it’s needed 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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