A to Z Challenge: I and J are for…

Whoops. So I had a bad case of the Mondays and completely forgot to do my challenge. I think the whole sleeping in threw me off my game. Really the nights Em stays with me are lovely because there’s no waking up super early. So I will combine the two letters in a single post as they somewhat go hand and hand. 

I is for Invisible Illness. 

Every so often, someone will overhear me talking about medicine or going to the doctor or how crappy I feel, and of course they ask what’s wrong. I tell them that I have Lupus, and they usually either say they’re sorry and that they know someone with it; or they ask what that is. It’s fine either way I’m getting used to it. 

But what I can’t get used to is these people following up with “oh but you don’t look sick.” 😒 You don’t look dumb but here we are. Or old friends/acquaintances will comment on a picture I share (with a caption about longing to go back to looking or feeling like I did when the picture was taken) telling me that I’m silly to think I don’t look or feel the same now. I’m guessing they just skip over the Lupus related stuff and think I’m just an attention hog? 

The truth is… I’m really good at hiding how I really feel. It’s a coping mechanism I learned in my early teen years. Seriously, I should get an Oscar for how good I am at pretending everything is fine when inside I am breaking apart.

Sure, I may get really dressed up and take a bunch of smiling pictures– like Sunday for example. But very few realize just how much work goes into that. 

For starters– the hair is a wig. Usually I straighten mine now that it’s long enough, but with the pollen being crazy, washing & straightening it daily is a hassle. And painful on my arms. So I resort to the help of a wig to reduce the pain and time spent.      Shaving legs because it’s summer and humid… requires me to lay down after a shower because the bending over is exhausting.

Finding something I actually feel comfortable AND pretty in is an entirely different story when you’re carrying a prednisone baby and get tired of people asking you when you’re due. 10 months after I’m dead. 

So yes you better believe after all this hard work, I’m going to take as many pictures as possible. Because these days are few and far between. I guess that because I’m still mostly functional, and doing stuff with my daughter that most people assume I’m better. Nope. I’m on a medley of medicine and just kind of pushing through. Some days are easier than others. 

Speaking of being a functional mother…

J is for Just One…

From the time Em was born all we’ve been hearing is “when are you having another?” Uhhh.. we aren’t. From the start we knew we would be a one and done. Especially since it was a girl– what we both wanted.

But she’ll be lonely. 

She’s going to be spoiled. 

Blah blah blah. 

Are you going to pay for this child? Because in case you aren’t aware children are expensive! Even just one. 

Then I got sick… and it pretty much was determined that having any more would be a serious health risk to both myself and the baby. Now… there are some women who are able to have healthy pregnancies with Lupus… my doctor just strongly advised against trying given my particular circumstances. Which again wasn’t a problem because we had already decided no more.

Granted it did hurt a bit in the beginning to have the decision made permanent in the event we changed our minds… but considering D-day is in the future not really a problem anymore. 

So now when nosy people ask when we’re having another… I tell them that my body can’t handle another pregnancy because I’m sick. Amazingly they suddenly feel so sorry for asking. Well you should feel sorry. 

When did only having one child become taboo? Why can’t we be perfectly happy with just one? For us it was a matter of financial stability. We knew that we wouldn’t be able to live as comfortable as we wanted with more than one. We wanted to be able to give our daughter the opportunities we didn’t have because there were two of us. And have you ever gone out to eat with more than one kid? It’s chaotic and expensive… I love my Chick-fil-A too much 😂😂😂

I also had personal reasons for only wanting one… I feared that I would turn into my mother and love one child more. I didn’t want my children to ever feel the way I did growing up. So I decided that to keep from following that fate one was all I would have.

Some say that after D-day happens, I’ll find someone and want to start a family… blah blah blah because apparently I can’t be happily single either. Well for starters I have no intention of ever getting married again. Two, I’m not risking my life for another child. Sorry I can’t in good judgement get pregnant knowning I am putting myself and this unborn child in danger, not to mention the possibility of leaving at least one child motherless.

》She will be fine as an only child. She can have a puppy or two. She will learn how to be okay with being alone. She may be spoiled but hey that’s our choosing.


That being said… I know people mean well when they tell me I don’t look sick or there’s no way I feel that bad, or that Em deserves a sibling. But it gets annoying. Real fast. Like I almost want to wear a sign that says

Yes I’m sick. I work really hard to not look it. 

Yes she is and will more than likely always be an only child. Because I’m pretty sure R has no intention of marrying again either or having more kids. As he’s told me before he’s already got two needy women in his life. Yes you do buddy. 

No I do not want to hear your opinion on either matter. 

But sadly I can’t because someone will get butthurt. Or more than likely give me their opinion anyway. At least as far as siblings go Em is at the age now where people ask her, and she’s blatantly said no. Yup that only child syndrome is kicking in. Which is really too bad… 🙄

Tomorrow is K… and I tell ya… picking words is getting harder and harder. I’m half tempted to lump LMNOP together haha


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