Originally this was going to be a post about No Spend August, and my attempt to get my spending habits under better control. (Never heard of a No Spend Month? Let me tell you it takes a lot of willpower. You don’t buy anything that is not a necessity. This includes eating out just for the sake of not having to cook.) Well, I made it until about 3PM. I even went into Target, made a return and then immediately left. No window shopping. But then my mother took me with her to Sam’s Club– now I would have been okay if we had just gone to eat, because she paid for us. Yes. We went to Sam’s Club to eat lunch… I know, I didn’t know people did that either! But I guess when you pay a membership for the place, you do. However, she wanted to walk around and price match. And it all started with a batch of strawberries that was too good to pass up. Then I figured, well since I’m here I might as well get some juice because we’re out. That offer was also too good to pass up. Well then we kept strolling along and I found some really cute books for Emma, so I got them under the guise that they will be Christmas gifts. And so far, she hasn’t asked for them so we’re good. Lets just hope I remember to hide the bag they’re in after she goes to sleep. Which doesn’t seem to be anytime soon as she sits beside me watching crazy YouTube videos, with no sign of sleep in her future. DESPITE being up all day with no nap, AND a trip to the pool. Oh, and she had a bath and was rubbed down with lavendar lotion… tick tock kid. Tick tock.
Okay, I’m rambling- sorry that happens a lot when I’m fighting sleep but trying to hash out a blog because I’m trying to get my creative juices flowing again. What better than way than to just write right?
Right so this post is actually about Motherly Bonding Time. Or rather Mother-daughter relationships. I think I might have mentioned before I have a really up and down relationship with my mother. We usually have periods of time when we get along really well, and then we just have a falling out and don’t speak to each other for awhile. Our latest falling out reached a new milestone. We went just shy of an entire year without talking.
Let me backtrack and give you the brief history of my mother and I. From my perspective, growing up I never had that mother-daughter relationship that I wanted. I wanted a mom who was my best friend. I didn’t have that, I often felt like she favored my younger sister over me. I felt like nothing I did was good enough. I just felt like I didn’t belong. I do believe I said before I had written my thoughts about suicide, and she grounded me and left me at home for several hours. And on a few other occasions, seemed to just kind of shrug off what I was going through. Now if you were to sit us both down in a room and have us share our sides, she would more than likely say that I was just jealous and over-sensitive. Whatever, I am working really hard on putting all that behind me. Slowly accepting the fact that we will probably never really have the relationship that I want/need/crave.
Sometimes you just have to forget the apology you’re never going to get & move on.
Or the saying goes something like that… Anyhow, I was the bigger person as usual and I extended the olive branch for the sake of Emma. I never wanted to be the parent who didn’t let her child see her grandparents, but it got to the point that it was in my best interest mentally and emotionally to cut ties. But like I said, I was the bigger person and extended the olive branch.
It hasn’t been all sunshine and roses though. I guess, because I mentally kept/keep a guard up. And I reached out knowing that we wouldn’t suddenly become the Gilmore Girls or something. I think it helped… Because since I moved out, and especially since I got super sick this last time, we’ve been talking and spending a lot of time together. Which means one of two things. 1) We have both grown enough to make a somewhat decent relationship work or 2) shit is about to hit the fan because we’ve been getting along so well. I hate to say it but that’s how it always goes with us.
For instance, I’ve been spent literally the last four days in her company. FOUR days. I can’t believe it either. Talking. Texting. Going to eat at Sam’s Club. Going to the pool. It’s crazy. I almost feel like I’m dreaming and about to wake up. Which would be nice, to wake up and not be sick or getting a divorce. But I know that this is very much reality… However I do like the current state of my mother-daughter relationship, so I am just going to roll with it.
Slightly off topic… In a previous post, I believe my mother’s day post or something, I mentioned my fear of raising a daughter and making her feel like I felt all these years. How I was using my own experience to make sure that hers and mine is much different. And I like think that its helped make me be the mother I always wanted mine to be. So I guess I have that going for me with this roller coaster of a relationship with my mother. Right? I don’t know, my brain is starting to get fuzzy because I am seriously low on fumes at this point… meanwhile surprise surprise mini me is still going strong. How I am seriously unsure. I need to bottle this up and sell it for sure though.
Okay well, my rambling is starting to get out of hand. So I think it’s time I called it a night and drag my apparent nocturnal child to bed with me.
Here’s to Day 1 of writing everyday this month… wish me luck again!