1. Hit the snooze button multiple times when it goes off. This works best if you don’t actually have to get up and go anywhere otherwise consider yourself LATE.
Actually, if you’re not going anywhere why was the alarm on anyway? It’s okay it happens to the best of us.
2. Remember to take your medicine. And then remember which ones you took.
3. Cereal is the easiest breakfast if your kids can’t fend for themselves.
4. Comfy clothes to lazily lounge around with. Black yoga pants are a must have staple in your closet. You can wear them to bed and then roll out (of bed) and get moving without having to look for pants. You’re welcome. Also cardigans work great too. Flowy ones. They hide hard to get rid of body fat and it instantly dresses up those yoga pants.
5. Wifi is a must…
6. Because Netflix. Hulu. Youtube. Online gaming. Those kids aren’t going to entertain themselves while you’re having a rough day. Or just in general so you can have a few minutes to yourself to check Facebook or whatever.
7. Lunchtime, because apparently you have to feed these tiny humans three times a day. Easily microwavable stuff. Luckily mine only eats chicken nuggets, fries, pink applesauce, fruit and cheese and chips. So all pretty simple fixes. For older kids you trust, oven baked pizza– you know actually just teach them how to order a pizza and enter your credit card information over the phone. When in doubt, leftovers and/or fend for yourself. Cereal is a completely reasonable meal all day.
8. Have you showered? If not you should probably do so. It’ll help you feel better.
9. Have you yourself eaten? If not better go steal one of those microwave meals. Or a slice of pizza.
10. If your kids are old enough to go outside by themselves, send them outside for some much needed vitamin C-u-later. If not, you’re going to have to play some game where the little kids run around you, while you stay firmly where you are. You know what just invest in a wii. They can dance, play sports, everything. Best investment ever.
11. Enforce a mandatory naptime. Everyone needs a recharge.
12. Dinnertime. Because you know they eat three times a day minimum. Sandwiches. Leftovers. You know take out sounds good. Unless you’re having a decent day and actually feel like cooking something only you are going to eat. Because kids are assholes and think you’re a short ordered chef.
13. If you’re lucky enough to have a spouse or significant other they usually come home around this time. Tag out. If you’re flying solo, I’m sorry but that bottle of wine is going to have to wait a little longer.
14. If you have enough energy maybe do some cleaning or other errands you put off all day, waiting on your imaginary maid to arrive.
15. Bathtime for those stinky kids. Or rather a trip to Sea World. Because kids have no idea how to keep water INSIDE the tub.
16. Bedtime for those hooligans. Or at least shut them in their rooms. out of sight out of mind right?
17. Decide to save the wine for tomorrow. Because you’re too tired. And couldn’t find the bottle opener.
18. Lay in bed scrolling social media trying to fall asleep.
19. Don’t sleep well.
20. Do it all over the next day.
Of course this survival guide changes a bit when it’s school time and you have school age children.